Sunday, June 5, 2011

This Is My Official Warning: Too Young People, Too Young! (Comedy)

 (This Blog Post is meant to be funny (its a joke) and is by no means meant in earnest!  Please read with a light heart and be prepared to giggle!)

Have you seen the commercials that advertise children being taught to read at six months old?  This is my official warning:  Too young people, too young! 

Oh yeah…the commercial makes it look so cute when your baby is reading Snow White or Peter Rabbit, but have you considered the consequences of dinner with your in-laws?  There you all are bragging about your three-year-old child’s brilliant reading abilities, when he blurts out, “While doing a dookie in dad’s bathroom, I found a magazine called Playboy (which naturally made him think the book was inviting him to play,) and I came across the most interesting article..!”  (hehe)

That’s just one horrible example that a toddler's being able to read can bring about.  Have you not already witnessed the uncensored things your baby will say - based on what he's observed with his eyes alone? Come on, you know what I mean.  You’ve heard them call women fat, ugly and old right straight to their faces!  And many of us have had the unfortunate experience of witnessing that sweet littlie baby who demands his mother's ninny in public, all the while grabbing at her blouse trying to get IT out!  Oh, the horror doesn't stop there, and you know it!  How many times has your baby embarrassed you by telling your secrets to his preschool teachers, while all the other mothers are gathered around to hear all the juicy details?  These little beings have no control over what comes out of their illiterate mouths now, and some company thinks it’s a smart idea to teach them to READ?  Imagine the humility you will have to suffer, as your reading toddler uses their new ability to articulate your secrets in a more intelligent and creative manner.

What’s next, writing and using the computer!?  Uh oh, be very careful when upsetting this toddler!  He asks you for a toy; you say, “No!”  The next thing you know he’s "borrowing" your credit card, ordering his toy off of Ebay and having it delivered to his bedroom.  The scary possibilities are limitless.  I’m afraid that if a child can read to soon, he’ll start behaving like a teenager at age six. First he’ll be sneaking money out of your purse to buy a juice box at the corner store.  Soon after, he’ll figure out how imperfect we parents are; then he’ll start questing all our rules.  It wont be long after that that he’s sneaking cigarettes and a lighter from his mom’s purse; making comments like, “Who the heck does my mom think she is, telling me not to smoke, when she smokes?” to his, confused, illiterate, best friend.  The horror! Will he start forging his parent’s signature to go on field trips, and filling out credit card applications for a little extra spending money?

Long story short, there’s a reason why the powerful like to keep the weak ignorant!  It’s called control people – and reading is power!  You give too much of that to your child and the result can be disastrous!  Parents...do not let your toddlers learn to read; maintain control as long as you can! 

Mardi Maston

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